To: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
Subject: We need to talk
Please understand that it’s not you; it’s me. If I were a stronger country, maybe I could ignore all you’ve said and done. If I didn’t have so many open wounds, perhaps I could adopt the attitude of “this too shall pass.” I’m not as tough as I used to be, and I question myself about issues and values that were once a certainty. I’ve endured much, and my resilience is flagging. Like both of you, I’m no spring chicken.
But also like you, I need to stop acting like a spoiled, ill-mannered child. Enough with the salacious comments, incessant lies and venal agendas. Enough with the elitist attitudes and egomaniacal boasting. I can’t take it any longer.
Hill, I’m all too aware that you’re mildly repulsed by my large midsection (I hate that you call it “flyover country”), so please quit pretending you aren’t. You’re not stupid, but neither are you always right. Nothing is more of a turn-off than your autocratic presumption that the end always justifies the means.
Donnie, I wasn’t created under the premise of “it’s not how you play the game; it’s whether you win or lose.” I don’t care if your hands are the size of a catcher’s mitt or a demitasse cup — insisting that you must prevail at any cost is an extremely unattractive trait. What’s more, and I only say this because I care, you won’t defeat political correctness by being rude, lewd, crude and socially unacceptable.
I don’t want to sound all high and mighty, but in my younger days I championed lofty principles. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have misplaced them. That embarrasses me, but I’m trying to admit my mistakes and start anew.
I have no idea how we reached this point, but things have to change. I awake with trembling anxiety, question my own sanity and feel my soul is divided. No joke, I used to think I was just “America.” Now I’m red, blue, black, white, brown and maybe even burnt-sienna America. I used to fiercely protect my borders, but I rarely failed to welcome anyone who shared my ideals and sought to achieve a better life. I used to pride myself on my ethics, character, morals and sense of purpose. These days, I’m not even sure what those words mean.
While I would never purposely hurt you, we can’t keep pretending that our relationship is all rainbows, puppies, Russian hackers, globalist donors and “cooperative” FBI directors. You know as well as I that things were never that great between us. I’ve faced the heartbreaking fact that, while you love the idea of loving me, all you really care about is yourselves.
I fully expect that you’ll hate me for this. Donald, tweet with reckless and unhinged abandon if you must. Hillary, I’ll hold no grudges if you send, delete, and “bleach-bit” 33,000 more emails stating that I’m now 100 percent deplorable and irredeemable.
I forgive you. Again, it’s my fault for letting this go on. If we are to move forward with our lives, we must concede that our relationship is codependent and toxic. You’re not good for me, and I really think I need four or five years to find myself. The time has come for us to go our separate ways.
Hillary, Donald ... I’m breaking up with both of you.