My husband is cheating on me — again.
Don’t waste any time feeling sad or worrying about me, I’m used to it. He prefers romancing the stylish, sleek, slender types and I’m none of those things. And then there’s the fact that I’m human.
You see, my husband has a habit of falling in love with the latest, greatest technology.
In the ’90s he cheated on me with his Blackberry. A decade later he had a passionate affair with an iPhone. Lord, that man was in love. I’m talking a head-over-heels kind of love that comes along once in a lifetime. He couldn’t stop touching the iPhone. Oh, the gentle caresses and looks of adoration he would bestow on it. If someone, just once in my life, would look at me the way my husband looked at that iPhone, I think I could die happy.
Then the unthinkable happened. He cheated on his iPhone with an iPad. It was like I had sister wives. I really felt for the iPhone. My husband was dating, in essence, her younger, twice as big, sister. You just know that had to hurt.
Sadly, alienation of affection is a constant when you’re married to someone always looking over their shoulder for the newest, hottest tech rush. That’s why today I’m currently sharing my husband with a tacky tramp called the Fitbit.
Ugh. She’s always with him. Holding onto his wrist day and night. She’s clingy and full of information. Wooing him with how far he’s walked, how many calories he’s burned, how much sleep he’s gotten.
The oversharing is a little sickening. The worst is her incessant nagging disguised as positive affirmation. She makes happy sounds every time my husband hits one of his daily fitness goals. (What a suck up.) It’s killing me because they literally do everything together. The shower, the pool, you name it and there they are — the perfect couple.
Sometimes I think I have only myself to blame for my husband’s wandering ardor. Even when we were dating I saw signs of this tech fetish. In the ’80s, before he became a “Mac Man,” he had a fling with a Kaypro computer. I was young and naive, holding on to the fairytale belief that our love would always, in the end, triumph over technology. Wow. Looking back, I was kind of an idiot.
I guess I have no choice but to take the course of action I’ve relied on since the late 20th century — waiting it out. Just like with the third generation Apple computer, iPod, iPhone, iPad and now the Fitbit, my husband sooner or later will tire of his tech mistress. She’ll let him down. She’ll throw a temper tantrum and refuse to unlock even though he knows he’s typing in the right passcode or she’ll go all passive aggressive on him and not hold a charge long enough and then there’s a very good chance her apps will have a bipolar episode or little Miss Fitbit will call him a fatty. That’s when he’ll come crawling back to me looking for some low-tech affection.
I hope he doesn’t wait too long because I’m seriously considering entering into a monogamous relationship with my Kindle.