Matt Keenan — Giving Santa an earful

12/17/2013 5:59 PM

12/17/2013 5:59 PM

Dear Santa,

This year my list is long. Let’s get started.

I want a drone. Nothing fancy, just something I can fly around and freak out the dudes in Leawood. It would sound so cool to tell my texting kids on Christmas Eve, “Hey, don’t be alarmed if you hear a noise outside the house. Santa gave me a drone. It’s bringing me some Bitcoins.” They would have a seizure. Maybe I could use it to fly around Prairie Village and buzz people attending the next city council meeting. Like a Johnny Rowlands without the tan.

A pair of Google glasses would be fun. I could walk around the Plaza and utter in a loud voice, “OMG. I see Bigfoot.”

A 3D printer would be nice. I could use it to print out ink cartridges for my other printer.

Santa, can we get a return to simple? Simple phones, simple bills, simple mail? Questions at the pump: Debit? ZIP code? Car wash? Receipt? Frostbite? Do you have our rewards card? Are you a member of our club?

More wants: a reality TV show on Trick Shot Titus — the 3-year-old who has taken the entire NBA to school and made the rounds on all the talk shows. He makes me laugh. I really hope he doesn’t go all Bieber and turn up with a couple tats and low-riding pants that show his diaper.

Please put the kibosh on online surveys that keep you from doing fun things online like watching Titus. They scroll down as you do. Make them stop. Please.

I want a holiday from the biggest threat facing our country — selfies. Consider what the New York Post reported recently: “America’s selfie obsession reached a new low on Tuesday when a woman snapped a cellphone self-portrait that also captured a suicidal man on the Brooklyn Bridge. With scores of onlookers watching the dramatic 10 a.m. rescue by cops, the crass camerawoman turned her back to the scene, angled her phone toward the bridge and snapped a shot.”

So while you are at it, give all of us a time-out from something else — social media. Amazon shows 30,868 books on the topic. Not a single one offers readers what I want to learn: how to stop it. I would buy that book.

Santa, now that cursive is sticking around, I also want students to practice it on chalkboards and then clean the erasers.

More stories about veterans like the one in The Star on Pearl Harbor day. If you haven’t read how Sporting KC honored the last three local living survivors of Pearl Harbor — Edmond Russell, Dorwin Lamkin and Jack Carson — you should. Lamkin, who is 91 and was a Navy corpsman on the USS Nevada, was quoted as saying something typical of the modesty and humility of the Greatest Generation. “This is incredible. I am almost a little embarrassed.”

Enough of the noise records. Let’s set a record for silence. Who wants to go to Arrowhead and go deaf? (Crickets.) No phones on airplanes. Ever.

And if you can deliver these wishes, then my nephew is right — you are real, so add this to your list: Bring us peace on earth and goodwill to men.

Merry Christmas!

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