I’ve got nothing. As in I have absolutely nothing to write about. It happens, especially if your life isn’t exactly a hoot and hollers worth of excitement.
Let’s be honest here: How many times have I filled you in on the comings and goings of the McDonald’s drive-thru? Yeah, that’s right — too many times.
I guess I could write about being sick, but to quote my mother, “If you want to sound old and lose friends, just start talking about your health or lack thereof.”
Although I think a rousing contrast-and-compare column about the healing properties of Mucinex D versus Theraflu could be viewed as a community service, I will refrain. I do, though, feel compelled to give my husband a big shout out for getting me sick.
Never miss a local story.
Well, to be 100-percent accurate, karma was responsible for my illness. As my husband was sneezing and hacking up half a lung, I commented (or bragged) to my children about my stellar immune system that ensures I never get so much as a runny nose.
Big mistake, because a mere four hours later I was dual-wielding Chloraseptic and Vicks VapoRub.
Sidebar or really more of a helpful hint: The enticing combo platter of VapoRub and a menthol flavored throat spray should be avoided at all cost. It creates a peppermint and eucalyptus explosion that’s hard to recover from.
Sure, my nasal passages opened up, but I feel certain it’s turned me against the mint family for eternity. This makes me almost inconsolable because it has created a rift with one of the beloved constants in my life — Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. The thought of consuming a Thin Mint now makes me nauseous.
I haven’t even begun to process the devastation. And don’t even try to make me feel better by telling me I can move on to Girl Scout S’mores. For the record, the S’mores are, if not devoid of marshmallow, at the very least marshmallow challenged. It should be renamed “Needs’more.”
Another thing that’s a kick in the butt is the flu shot.
I love getting my flu shoot. It’s a total no-brainer. One free shot plus one $5 Target gift card equals winning. But, here’s the icky part: People, upon hearing you’re sick, get a little too enthusiastic when they excitedly tell you that you were a bonehead to have gotten a flu shot.
Yes, I get it. The flu shot was not 100 percent accurate this year. But it’s not like getting the vaccine made me sick three months later. And let’s not forget I still got paid $5 for the shot and treated myself to a Bert’s Bee passion-fruit lip balm with my windfall. Where’s the downside?
I think people hate the flu vaccine more than they hate the flu. No one wants to talk about how bad the flu is, they just want to complain about the vaccine.
Vaccine whiners fall into two different camps. You’ve got your peeps who are pro-vaccine, but think the flu shot is like looking for a Coach hand bag at Ross Dress for Less: chances are slim it’s going to be a success. (On a personal note, in 2006 I did find a hot-pink Coach saddlebag at a Ross. Hope springs eternal my friends.)
Then, you have your serial anti-vacciners who use the lack of efficacy of this year’s flu shot as their new rallying cry for how vaccines either don’t work or are a “big pharma” hoax.
To both these groups, all I have to say is: Can I offer you some menthol-laden throat spray with a Vick’s VapoRub chaser?