816 Opinion

December 31, 2013

Matt Keenan | A wish list for others, complete with resolutions

It’s that time of year, again.
It’s time for our New Year’s resolutions. The most popular ones include losing weight, getting out of debt, drinking less and reducing stress. Experts say 95 percent of these are broken by Jan. 8. But enough of me. What follows are my resolutions/wishes for other

people.

Andy Reid:

A dietician. I’m a KU fan and know from experience that teams with overweight football coaches don’t end well.

Sluggerrr:

Ditch the T-Shirt shooter. I’m tired of hysterical 10-year-olds running down the aisle trying to catch a two-dollar shirt. And your tail needs de-caf. Lose the other mindless promotions between innings that divert fans from why we are there. It’s a baseball stadium, not an amusement park.

Dayton Moore:

A singer named Ella Maria Lani Yelich-O’Connor who performs under the name Lorde put the word Royals in the pop culture registry and then extended the PR when she said the song had its genesis in a George Brett photo. Work it. Retire the Garth Brooks “Friends in Low Places” song. Maybe some fans would also trade out their Jorts for cargoes and stay until the ninth inning.

Royals owner David Glass:

Make peace with Frank White.

Frank White:

See above.

Clark Hunt:

Smile a little. Mess up the do and go off the playbook. And do something about your parking lot.

Sister Berta Sailor from Operation Breakthough:

Win the Powerball.

Justin Bieber:

Go away. And take Alec Baldwin with you.

Fox Sports:

Drop that animated robot that jumps out of my TV between commercials.

Monster carry-on bag person:

If you can’t lift it, you can’t bring it.

TSA person:

We know the rules now. No reason to tell us while we stand in a motionless line where to go and how to do things. Enough of the declaration to use a quart-sized, clear plastic zip top bag to store liquids and gels.

Kansas City, Mo.:

Some snowplows.

Bill Self:

Whatever you want.

Chiefs receiver Dwayne Bowe:

Find some new friends. Sister Berta would have some leads.

Sam Mellinger:

A haircut. Call the nearest barber and ask for a two blade. There’s only room in the world for one Ron Burgundy.

Sporting KC:

Another 2013.

Hollywood:

More family friendly, uplifting movies like “Saving Mr. Banks” and “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”

So everyone get busy! You should know that the biggest reason for failure is a lack of willpower, which means staying focused and not being distracted from my goals for you. I could elaborate further but just noticed some chocolate-dipped coconut macaroons with my name on them.

Happy New Year!

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