It’s Joffrey’s turn to tie the knot when ‘Game of Thrones’ returns

04/04/2014 12:00 AM

04/05/2014 9:50 PM

The great families of “Game of Thrones” don’t go for long engagements anymore. The kids just might flee, get kidnapped, or fall in love elsewhere — and the next thing you know, you’re planning a funeral instead.

Arranged marriages are where the deals and legitimate babies are made. So it should come as no surprise that Houses Tyrell and Lannister have settled on serving the buttercream icing and a dark red Arbor wine as Season 4 of “Game of Thrones” gets underway Sunday night. The show feels as urgent as a Tyrell pawing at power, advancing with purpose in the first three episodes, especially in the capital city of King’s Landing.

No weddings would be like no more dragon sightings, no more drunk Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), no more YouTube videos of people freaking out at the series’ matter-of-fact bloodshed.

Still traumatized by the Red Wedding? You’ll have to get over it. As the kind of guy who probably had a bachelor party straight out of “American Psycho,” Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) deserves nothing less than an epic shindig.

Like other Medieval fantasy stories, George R.R. Martin’s world clings to wedding plots — and steamy, secretive sex. So much so that it could feel like an action romance that just happens to have ice zombies and slave cities. But only for fleeting moments: That’s not Channing Tatum under the chain mail. It’s some stranger who just bought you and wants seven sons.

The series began in 2011 with Danaerys Targaryen’s wedding, an all-day, open-bar drunkfest with Dothraki warriors fornicating and fist-fighting on the dance floor.

“A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair,” they said.

A seemingly low-key party, Robb Stark’s secret exchange of vows with Talisa was the spark that set off the Red Wedding’s merry nightmare of arterial fireworks last June. I guess Roslin Frey Tully doesn’t have to do thank-you notes now.

And who can forget the forced union of Sansa and Tyrion, “the disgraced daughter and the demon monkey,” as he put it? It was a lovely ceremony, filled with dread and rage, merciless mocking and threats of rape from Joffrey.

His bride-to-be, Margaery (Natalie Dormer), presents herself as a people’s princess in 15th-century Vivienne Westwood, feeding the bedraggled of King’s Landing in creative necklines. Meanwhile, she’s plotting to have a son on the Iron Throne one day — even if it means taking the last rose from the worst “Bachelor” ever.

The happy couple make a perfect genetic storm of aggression and cunning. Does anyone else giggle as they contemplate the mother-in-law drama after Queen Regent Cersei has to hand over her crown? Anyone?

Speaking of Cersei, she’s still supposed to marry Margaery’s brother Loras, whose bread isn’t even buttered on her side. Every season is wedding season on “Game of Thrones.” Come to think of it, how long is Daenerys Targaryen going to stay single?

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