At this point, we’re not sure whether we want Children’s Mercy nurse Nikki Ferrell to win this season’s “The Bachelor.” In case you haven’t been following the mayhem surrounding one of the least-favorite bachelors of all time, walk down that rose-strewn memory lane with us today. The season finale begins at 7 p.m. Monday on ABC.
The first impression
Nurse Nikki’s road to the finale began when she stepped out of the limo on the first night carrying a stethoscope. She put the working end of it on her chest so that Juan Pablo could hear the beating beneath her bosom. Boom, boom, he said!
The photo shoot
Assistant district attorney Andi Dorfman didn’t want to pose nude for a photo shoot for charity, for which “free spirit” Lucy Aragon gladly stripped. But who could forget “dog lover” Kelly Travis’ terrible fate of wearing a hairless spotted dog costume? Hopefully her pooch provided more comfort than Juan Pablo after that fiasco.
The hot mess
We know the wine flows as freely as the water in the hot tubs on “The Bachelor,” but contestant Victoria Lima took it to a new level on her group date. The legal assistant got so drunk, she locked herself in a bathroom stall and later got the boot from Juan Pablo. “Life is about straddling people ... and things,” she slurred. Maybe just on “The Bachelor,” Victoria. The ocean commotion
Did they? Didn’t they? We think Juan Pablo and Clare did
have sex in the ocean in Vietnam. She said as much with raised eyebrows: “We just went for it. And I don’t regret it. Pure bliss. In every way.” Juan Pablo becomes Biggest Jerk on the Planet when he tells Clare he regrets what they did. She should have run.
The gay gaffe
Reporter: Do you think a gay “Bachelor” is a good idea?
Juan Pablo: “I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV.” Gay people are “more pervert in a sense.”
ABC: “Juan Pablo’s comments were careless, thoughtless and insensitive.”
Juan Pablo: “Everyone knows English is my second language.”
Nikki and Clare got in each other’s faces in steamy Miami when the finalists visited Juan Pablo’s hometown. The acrimony between the two exploded in an expletive-filled showdown at the hotel. “I feel like Nikki always gets away with just being a (b-word),” Clare says.
“Clare is like a dog,” Nikki says. “She peed on him first. She claimed her territory. And the fact is, she claimed some territory that might not be hers.”
Speaking of catfights
Better than “The Bachelor” itself were the re-enactments of scenes by the Roots on “The Tonight Show.” Questlove and Tariq sparred as Nikki and Clare (acting out the “Clare is a dog” scene) and later quibbled as Andi and Juan Pablo (“Ees OK”).
Juan Pablo was clearly starry-eyed over the elegant, sophisticated opera singer Sharleen Joynt. (See, opposites do attract.) “She could be the one,” he later told his cousin. But something was always missing for Sharleen — if he only had a brain. She liked making out with the “ridiculously sexy” bachelor. But in the end she smartened up, packed her bags and walked out in Miami.
The hometown visit
Juan Pablo seemed to enjoy visiting Kansas City with Nikki, pigging out on Oklahoma Joe’s barbecue (free publicity!) and riding a mechanical bull in the Power & Light District. We, on the other hand, didn’t enjoy the “cowboy” stereotyping, complete with footage of cattle grazing. Moo-ooove along, ABC.
Drama in paradise! Finalist Andi Dorfman, an assistant district attorney from Atlanta, dumped Juan Pablo after their fantasy-suite overnight stay in St. Lucia. Away from the cameras, he apparently talked about his overnight with Clare (cheap) and told Andi she was a finalist by default (nasty). And she’d had it with him overusing the phase, “It’s OK,” which sounds like “Eeees OK” when he says it. Andi delivered the best line of the season at the brush-off: “Do you not see there’s a difference between being an (a-hole) and being honest?”
The ladies had no problem bashing “The Bachelor” in front of a studio audience, calling Juan Pablo out for not taking the time to get to know them or taking the process seriously. Single mom Renee revealed that she is not-so single anymore, Andi explained what ticked her off in the fantasy suite and Juan Pablo defended his comments on gay people. “That situation was taken out of context,” Juan Pablo said. “I love gay people. I have no problem with them, I respect them.”
Hometown: Kearney, Mo.
Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Most memorable: Her catfight with rival Clare, who Nikki said “claimed some territory that might not be hers.” Also, those awful dance moves.
He likes her because: She’s “sexy” and “cute” and sees her as wife material.
Why she should lose: The KC nurse is smart, young and well-spoken; everything Juan Pablo isn’t.
Why she should win: She was the only girl Juan Pablo introduced to his daughter and has plenty of experience with kids.
Hometown: Sacramento, Calif.
Occupation: Hair stylist
Most memorable moment: The now-infamous nighttime swim in the ocean with Juan Pablo after which he shamed her on national TV. And she still stayed.
He likes her because: She’s apparent