Wow, wow, wow. We thought “The Bachelor” dude was the one who did the dumping. But not this season.
Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis was dumped again on Tuesday night’s episode. That leaves Kansas City’s Nikki Ferrell and her mortal enemy on the show, Clare Crawley, a hairstylist from Sacramento, to go head-to-head at the final rose ceremony on March 10.
Behind closed doors, when the cameras were turned off during their Caribbean fantasy overnight, things were apparently said – or not said – between Juan Pablo and the third finalist Andi Dorfman, an assistant district attorney from Atlanta.
“Waking up this morning I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” Andi said. “I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like and the whole night was just a disaster!”
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, here are the facts as presented by Madam Counselor:
Every time she started talking about her feelings or her past, he started talking about himself.
He brought up his overnight stay with Clare. “Seriously ... are you kidding me? It blew my mind that he thought that was OK to talk about.”
He allegedly said that Andi was one of the finalists by “default,” a word he argued wasn’t even in his limited English vocabulary.
His mouth has no filter, a trait Andi found offensive. Juan Pablo called it being honest. Andi called it being “a (bleep)hole.”
Things in Saint Lucia, aka paradise, had started out much sunnier. Juan Pablo’s first fantasy date, two weeks before his final decision, was with starry-eyed Clare, who feels like she’s always on the outside watching everyone else fall in love.
“But for it to be happening to me,” she said, “is a dream.”
What happened between her and Juan Pablo in Vietnam, however, was not far from her mind. After their sexy nighttime ocean romp there he shamed her in front of a nation by telling her that he regretted it all.
(That was the moment Juan Pablo started losing fans and it wasn’t just us.)
After some heavy petting aboard a yacht and more swimming in the ocean – this time during the day – Clare and Juan Pablo showed up that night at their Saint Lucia resort hotel.
Clare scored points by bringing up his daughter, Camila. She’s Juan Pablo’s second-favorite thing to talk about besides, apparently, himself.
Juan Pablo pulled out a note, with a room key attached, from show host Chris Harrison. It said that should they decide not to stay in their individual rooms they could spend the night together in the “fantasy suite.”
Clare debated her decision, reminding Juan Pablo of the Vietnam fiasco. But in the end she caved: “I really, really, really want to spend more time with you.”
Before the cameras left we got to see their candle-filled tropical boudoir where champagne awaited them. But these two don’t need bubbly.
“Ay, Clare,” he said to her. “You’re so cute. You are so cute.”
“I’m just happy to be here and to have this time to spend with you,” she said.
Then she dropped the l-bomb: “I’m just loving falling in love with you.”
Juan Pablo said nothing, his forehead glistening with sweat.
“And I know that you don’t have to say anything back right now,” said Clare, throwing a lifesaver to the man she wants to make babies with.
Cut to scene of them making out in the whirlpool, familiar territory for these two.
Juan Pablo made sure to note later that they spent the night “just laying in bed, cuddling, talking.”
He had no complaints about his fantasy date with Nikki either, especially when she showed up to go horseback riding wearing a fringed bikini top and floral pants.
“Juan Pablo looks so hot,” she said.
Juan Pablo said he likes the way Nikki kisses and called her “so sexy” in Spanish.
The ladies this season have had fun learning his native tongue.
As they rode to the beach Nikki remarked that she was glad that she had worn pants. Juan Pablo teased that if she had worn a thong he would have been riding right behind her.
Oh these kids.
After drinks on the beach, the two ended up – one guess – swimming in the ocean. They looked like the cover of a romance novel as they stood kissing in the crashing waves.
Back at yet another fancy hotel, Juan Pablo noted that Nikki looked like she’d been doing a lot of thinking that day.
“I know, couldn’t you see my wheels turning,” she said, then had to explain to English-challenged Juan Pablo what that meant.
He whipped out another of those notes from Chris Harrison and didn’t have to ask Nikki twice if she wanted to spend the night.
“Nikki could be a good partner for me for the rest of my life because she’s honest, very pretty, sexy,” said Juan Pablo. “And also because she cares about people and I like that a lot.”
Good thing he feels that way, because before the cameras were banished from their suite, Nikki declared her love. “I think you probably already know that,” she said. “But it’s taken a lot for me to say it.”
“I didn’t know that. You like me?” Juan Pablo said, perhaps the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard a “Bachelor” mumble.
He didn’t know what to say. But he wanted everyone to know again: Nikki is a good kisser.
He definitely wasn’t ready for the kiss-off Andi – “wife material,” he called her – had in store.
After a fun day at a seafood festival where they played steel drums with a band and pick-up soccer with a bunch of local boys, Juan Pablo whisked her away to picturesque Latille Falls.
Snuggling under the waterfall they looked like a honeymoon couple. She sounded like a bride, too. “I feel like I’m on cloud nine right now,” Andi said. “I can’t stop smiling. I can’t explain how romantic it is.”
But apparently everything went sour overnight. What happened behind their closed doors ended up as a bitter he-said-she-said argument before the rose ceremony.
(Stupid, stupid rule not to have cameras running on the overnight dates. Please reconsider, ABC.)
She told him she’s not in love with him and when he answered with a seemingly nonchalant “it’s OK,” she exploded.
Everything is just OK to you, she said. “That bothers me ... you saying it’s OK comes off as you not having feelings.”
She accused him of not taking things seriously. When I wanted to talk about serious things, she charged, you just wanted to kiss and say it’s OK.
He reminded her that English is his second language, suggesting that saying “OK” is like a reflex (or a tic?).
“I never honestly felt like you were ever trying to get to know me,” she told him.
Do you even know my religion, my stand on social issues, how I want to raise my children, she asked.
He said: Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to talk about serious stuff?
“I just want to be done with it,” Andi said, thus joining contestant Sharleen Joynt in the We Dumped Juan Pablo Club. “It didn’t work out. I want to pick up and call it a day. I have to do what’s in my heart and be true to myself.”
Her departure made for an awkward, icy rose ceremony for Clare and Nikki, who stood next to each other but barely glanced at each other. They looked stunned when Juan Pablo told them that Andi was gone.
Said Nikki: “All I can think is, why? I want an answer. Now.”
Juan Pablo told them that Andi decided she didn’t have strong feelings for him and wanted to go home. And that seemed quite alright with Nikki and Clare, who eagerly took those last two roses from Juan Pablo’s hot little hands.
“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little,” he said in the end. “Andi had everything.”
Maybe a little too much of something, perhaps?
“She’s a lawyer,” he said. “I’m not going to argue with a lawyer.”