Monday night's episode of “The Bachelor” was chock-full of memorable moments, from the cliché hot tub rubs to the drunken antics of one nervous contestant. But more on that hot mess later.
The first one-on-one date of the episode went to Clare, the hairstylist from Sacramento, who was blindfolded and taken to a “wonderland” of snow, ice skating and sledding, or what we call winter in Kansas City.
Juan Pablo and Clare spent the date frolicking in the fake powder before stripping down to their swimsuits and jumping into, what else, a hot tub. The magical music of Josh Krajcik (who?) starts playing as the two hopped from the hot tub to a stage for their personal concert. They pretended to know the artist as they danced .... in the fake snow ... in their swimsuits.
"I can only hope tonight it literally the tip of the iceberg for the rest of this journey,” Clare said. Juan Pablo gives her a rose, most likely for somehow managing to look good in both a bikini and Uggs.
Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor pad, Lucy the “free spirit,” makes her first topless appearance in the house hot tub.
"Lucy apparently forgot to pack bikini tops,” said Nikki Ferrell, the nurse from Kansas City.
Another date card arrives, this time for Kat, whose salsa dancing first impressed Juan Pablo.
"I have great surprise,” Juan Pablo said about the date, as viewers everywhere wondered why he hasn't been given subtitles yet.
The two take a private jet to an unknown location as Juan Pablo changes into a track suit and delivers a neon outfit for Kat to wear.
"I'm already having visions of jet-setting with my Latin lover,” Kat said, apparently unaware that private jets also don't last after the show's over.
The pair finally arrive to an LED-lit location in Salt Lake City, which turns out to be a 5k “electricity run” with thousands of their closest friends. The acid trip ends with Kat and Juan Pablo dancing on stage in front of the bright crowd as he hands her a rose.
"He is someone I would truly chase after in the streets,” Kat said. It's not too late to run, JP.
The final date card arrives for a group of 13, who head to a photo shoot with a group of furry friends to benefit Best Friends Animal Society, an organization that focuses on ending the killing of dogs and cats in shelters. The girls are given gowns, sexy dresses and bikinis to pose with the pooches in, but some girls aren't so lucky.
Lucy is dressed as a fire hydrant, which is probably the most clothes she'll wear all season. Kelly, the “dog lover” who brought her own dog on the show, gets the award for worst costume, and later the sympathy rose, as she is covered head to toe in brown paint with white spots to look like an alien.
Nikki impresses Juan Pablo once again for playing with the pups while the other girls sit in hair and makeup.
"She's cute, and she's sexy too,” Juan Pablo said of the Kearney native. Contestants Elise and Andi get stuck with no outfit for their photo shoot, and Elise is so uncomfortable posing nude that she switches with Lucy for the fire hydrant get up.
"I was happy to take off my top as always,” Lucy said. This girl is ratings gold.
Juan Pablo convinces Andi to pose nude for the shoot after her initial apprehension by telling her “we'll both be naked, so it's OK.” Something tells us those words have come out of his mouth before.
Later on that night, Victoria attempts to mask her discomfort and frustration of being on the show with wine and ends up ruining the entire night.
"I think everybody thinks you're a little hammered and crazy right now,” Nikki warned her. “I was just lookin' out for ya.”
"This is how I am sober,” Victoria slurred, as the camera cuts to her drunken twerking in a hot tub, alone. “Life is about straddling people ... and things.” Victoria is definitely on “The Bachelor” for the right reasons.
Victoria ends up bawling on the floor of a bathroom stall, screaming that she's “done” and wants to go home before the producers step in and put her in a hotel room for the night. Juan Pablo confronts her in the morning and sends her home, explaining that she's not ready to get into a relationship with someone who has a daughter. Her relationship with wine, however, seems to be going quite well.
Finally, at the rose ceremony, first impression rose-winner and opera-singer Sharleen apologized for her standoffish behavior to Juan Pablo in the premiere.
"I couldn't process that he was giving it to me,” she said.
Amy wins cheesiest moment of the night, as she pretends to interview Juan Pablo as part of her “journalist” schtick. Juan Pablo was clearly not impressed, sending the brunette and Chantel packing.
KC's own Nikki Ferrell continued to impress Juan Pablo and received the second rose at the ceremony.
"Nikki's fun, Nikki's cute,” Juan Pablo said. “I like Nikki. I want to get to know Nikki better.”
Let's hope next week brings out the hot mess in more contestants as the drama continues to unfold.