Q: When I was 19 and played bass in a rock band, I fell in love with a guy I’ll call “Brian.” He was three years older and also a musician. We had the best times together — we were young and wild without a care in the world.
But the years rolled on and we got older. After six years together, I got pregnant. I thought Brian would be thrilled, but he wasn’t. It changed how I felt about him. I was heartbroken and lost respect for him.
I grew up fast, and put our son, “Ricky,” first. Brian, on the other hand, has refused to give up his rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. He shows up to see Ricky two or three times a month but doesn’t even look at him. I can’t stand the way he ignores our son. Brian says I can’t alter who and how he is. I say, if we mattered to him, he would change on his own. This leads to arguments.
Which is worse: having my son grow up with an absent father who’s not “present” even when he’s here? Or Ricky seeing us fight all the time but leaving the option for Brian to be a part of his life? Or should I get my ex out of our lives for good, and risk resentment from Ricky because I moved on with our lives? — Fully Formed Adult in L.A.
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A: If Brian didn’t care about Ricky, he wouldn’t show up two or three times a month. What strikes me as sad, however, is that he apparently doesn’t know how to relate to his son.
Rather than exclude him entirely, stop the arguing and suggest that he and Ricky would both get more out the visitations if he enrolled in a parenting class for fathers. Tell him that for the sake of Ricky’s emotional well-being, you would be glad to help facilitate it any way you can, including helping him to research some of them online.
Q: My 15-year-old son, “Todd,” has started seeing a girl he goes to school with. “Winona” seems to be a nice girl from a good family. However, my son confided that her parents (mostly the mom) have started asking him all sorts of questions like, “I thought you were a good student. Why aren’t you on the honor roll?” “Do you keep your room clean?” “Would you change for our daughter?”
Todd is a good kid and a good student (A’s and B’s mostly.) He has strong morals, lots of friends and is a typical teen. He isn’t asking for that girl’s hand in marriage! It’s their first “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship. They just like each other.
Is the mom out of line, or am I being too sensitive? — Dumbfounded Dad in Illinois
A: Because this is her daughter’s first boyfriend, the mother may ask these questions because she’s protective, and it’s her way of trying to get to know your son better. Please try not to take what’s happening so seriously, because she’d probably ask the same questions if Prince Harry were seeing her precious daughter. That’s how some mothers are, until enough boys become so uncomfortable that they disappear and the daughter finds it so embarrassing she puts a stop to it.
Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.