DEAR ABBY: Since the moment my oldest son, “Ryan,” enlisted in the Army, our family has been concerned he would be deployed. Although Ryan graduated from high school near the top of his class and had prepared for a university, his plans were thwarted when deployment orders came to face off with the Islamic State in a combat engineer role. He leaves soon for the Middle East.
Abby, I need your insight in understanding why I am not falling apart. My other children are, my relatives are, and people I speak to are stunned that I’m holding it together. I try to explain that I support my son and must be strong for my family, but am I in denial? Everyone else is falling apart, while I, who adore him and can’t envision a life without him, seem to be holding steady.
What’s going on with me? Am I a flawed mother? I feel like I’m disappointing others who would prefer to see a soldier’s mother grieve and agonize over her son’s departure, anticipating the worst. Your thoughts are most welcome. — Baffled in the South
DEAR BAFFLED: You are not “flawed.” Not everyone handles emotionally charged situations the same way. Although you may be numb with shock, you may also be calm and stoic, and may not show your feelings openly. It’s also possible that you may be “postponing” any negative emotions until it’s necessary to experience them. My reaction is that no one should judge you, least of all yourself right now.
Never miss a local story.
Crying when she’s with Dad
DEAR ABBY: I’m the father of a beautiful, intelligent 9-year-old daughter I’ll call Stella. About three years ago her mother married a man from an affluent family and moved three hours away. To be closer to Stella, I moved there as well.
I have been divorced for six years now, and my relationship with my daughter has not improved during that time. I spend every Thursday afternoon with her and every other weekend. She recently joined a basketball team, and I go to her practices and games.
My biggest concern — and pain — is that whenever Stella is with me she cries for her mother. It hurts, because I have tried hard to foster a relationship with my daughter and have been unable to. I took her to Disney World, and she spent half the time crying. I ask myself whether I am only hurting her or whether I should continue to see her. Can you give me some advice? — Disappointed Daddy in Texas
DEAR DISAPPOINTED DADDY: Have you talked to Stella’s mother and asked her what’s going on with your daughter? By age 9 she’s a little old for separation anxiety. Not knowing everyone involved, my first reaction is to wonder whether there has been parental alienation happening.
My second is to suggest that you enlist the help of a licensed family therapist to find out why Stella acts this way every time she’s alone with you. If the problem is that she is immature, ride things out. If it’s something more, then it’s important you get to the bottom of it.
Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
© Universal Uclick 12/2