Wife regrets office romance but won’t remove journal entries

03/25/2014 7:10 PM

03/25/2014 7:10 PM

DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost 20 years. Eight years ago, my wife began an emotional affair with a co-worker. It lasted a year, until he left the company.

Although they never had sex, they did have some physical contact that most people would consider inappropriate, and my wife considered ending our marriage because of the feelings she had for him.

She now says the episode was a huge mistake, and she loves me more than ever.

The problem is, she wrote many entries about him in a journal. I know she kept writing about him several years after they lost contact, including saying that she loved him more than a year after he’d left.

I want my wife to remove the portions of the journal pertaining to this guy. She doesn’t want to. I’m still hurting from this and am considering counseling, but for now, what do you think? Should she get rid of the journal? — Considering Counseling

DEAR CONSIDERING COUNSELING:

Because you are still hurting seven years after the fact, stop “considering” counseling and get it NOW.

If your wife is a serious journal writer — and many people are — it is not unusual that she would want her writings to remain intact in spite of the fact they reflect her emotional affair. Instead of insisting she edit or destroy her journal, my advice is to stop reading it.

Adopting the daughter of his late girlfriend

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 47-year-old man who was single until seven years ago. Then I met “Maggie,” the most wonderful woman I had ever known. She wasn’t the hotsy-totsy one-nighter type I was used to. She was a real woman who fulfilled everything I had ever dreamed of (including bringing a wonderful 4-year-old little girl into my life). The biological father is out of the picture.

Maggie had wrestled with some health issues — nothing serious until last April, when she had surgery. Complications set in, and I lost the only person who ever mattered, aside from our little girl.

My question is, since we were never married, how do I refer to Maggie when relating what happened? I am in the process of adopting her daughter, and explanations to strangers are tough. (“Wow, you’re taking on a child when you don’t HAVE to?”) How do I respond to these remarks?

I know this is a multi-part question, but I have so many unanswered questions lately, I figured I’d ask you for an opinion. — Grieving in Missouri

DEAR GRIEVING:

Although you and Maggie weren’t legally married, you were a couple for some time. I’m very sorry for your loss. It would be accurate to refer to her as your late significant other, your partner or longtime girlfriend.

I would like to compliment you for stepping up to care for the girl when her biological father did not. And I do have suggestions for how to respond to anyone insensitive enough to ask why you would “take on” a child you didn’t “have to.”

The first would be to ignore the question. The second would be to avoid such a person in the future, and the third would be to reply, “I love her like a daughter, want to make sure she’s secure and provided for, and THAT’S why I’m doing it.”

© Universal Uclick 3/26

Videos

Join the discussion

is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

Commenting FAQs | Terms of Service