Give boyfriend some space while seeing old friends

10/01/2013 1:00 PM

10/01/2013 7:54 PM

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating Mr. Right for two years. “Phil” is the man I want to spend my life with. When we are together privately, everything is perfect.

The problem is, Phil hangs out with his old college buddies every few weeks or months, and it often involves his ex-girlfriends. They don’t hang out alone. There is always at least one other person there. The situations usually include drinking, which worries me.

In my opinion, Phil should not be seeing his exes, even though his college friends are still buddies with them. Phil doesn’t understand why I think this is so wrong. I am uncomfortable and think he should avoid these situations.

Am I overly jealous, or should I call it quits because he won’t respect my feelings on the matter? — Home Alone in Kokomo

DEAR HOME ALONE:

I don’t think you are overly jealous, but I do think you may be overly insecure. Has Phil given you any reason to think he has cheated on you? If not, you should trust that he is doing nothing more than hanging out occasionally with old friends.

You say he is encountering exes (plural) when he sees his male friends. If it was just one, you might have cause to worry. Remember, these women are exes for a reason. Unless you want to be another ex, you should lighten up, because insecurity and possessiveness are unattractive traits.

Feeling betrayed

DEAR ABBY: We have lived next door to a couple, “Evie” and “Earl,” for five years. I thought we were good friends. Over the years, I vented to Evie about my relationship with my daughter-in-law, “Cate.” I watch my two grandkids most of the week and have complained to her about Cate’s poor parenting skills.

Last summer, my daughter-in-law made a concerted effort to befriend Evie, and they now socialize together, even though Cate flirted with Earl and Evie didn’t like it. This has pretty much killed my friendship with Evie and worsened my relationship with my D-I-L.

This has affected me emotionally and physically to the point that I either want to cut off ties with my son and/or move, neither of which is really an option. I have tried talking to both parties to no avail. I don’t know what to do. Please help. — Betrayed in Pennsylvania

DEAR BETRAYED:

If you had concerns about your daughter-in-law’s parenting skills, the person you should have discussed them with was Cate. And if Evie was as good a friend as you thought, she wouldn’t be hanging around with your daughter-in-law to the exclusion of you.

I assume that you, your son and Cate are still on speaking terms and you’re still watching the kids “most of the week.” If that’s not true and you have been cut off by everyone, then the most important thing you need to do is take care of your mental and physical health. Accept that Evie will never be your buddy again and start socializing with others.

If you are no longer watching your grandchildren, your son and D-I-L will have to make alternative arrangements for child care, which will cost them money they may be reluctant to spend. Then it will be in their interest as well as yours to make peace.

© Universal Uclick 10/2

Videos

Join the Discussion

The Kansas City Star is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

Terms of Service