Miss Manners: Big friends need big chairs

08/26/2014 7:00 AM

08/26/2014 7:12 PM

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have several very overweight friends whom we often entertain in our home. We have been friends for more than 40 years, and numerous times they have broken the frames of our sofas and also have broken chairs.

One friend in particular comes over quite often to watch sports games. He is probably 300-plus pounds and tends to just plop down hard onto our furniture.

What can we do or say to our heavy friends? We just replaced our sofas, AGAIN.

GENTLE READER: Your 300-pound friend is aware of his effect on furniture, and Miss Manners assures you that he takes no more pleasure in hearing a couch support snap under him than you do in making repairs.

Guide him to a chair that will support his weight with the explanation that you are sure he will be comfortable there. If you don’t possess such a chair, buying one has to be cheaper than continuing to replace sofas.

Where is the line?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequent a coffee shop that has an extremely heavy door. I make a point of opening it or holding it open for others.

At times there’ll be a large group of women that I’ve held the door open for, and a long line inside the coffee shop. I’ve opened the door and held it open for, at times, four or five women.

This always puts me at the back of the line. Never once has a group of women asked me to go in front of them after holding the door open for them.

On the other hand, most times if I hold the door open for one or more men, they almost always ask me to go in front of them. What is the etiquette here? And by holding the door open, do I assume that I should be in the back of the line?

GENTLE READER: Let us not jump to prejudicial conclusions here, as the difference in behavior might have more to do with number than gender.

If there are four or five ladies, the first of them will already be in line waiting for the others, who would all have to agree to move aside. But the gentlemen you cite do not seem to travel in groups and thus would be approaching the line more or less the same time as you.

Still, it would be gracious for everyone to reciprocate by allowing you to go first in line. But any time you hold the door for another person, you are putting yourself at the back of some line, be it for the stairs, the elevator or getting to the office sooner. Miss Manners takes comfort in the belief that there is a more important, if less immediate, reward in behaving well.

Speak up, boss

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an employee who answers my phones. She finds it easy to involve herself in all of my conversations with other people. I almost never can answer a question in my conversations because she takes over. I don’t want her to be disgruntled. I just need a way to make her stop.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette sometimes requires subtlety or indirection. This is not one of those times.

You are the boss. Miss Manners suggests you tell your employee in a respectful but clear and decisive manner what you expect of her.

Judith Martin writes the Miss Manners column with help from her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, MissManners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

© Universal Uclick 8/27

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