Q: My husband recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused by his cousin, who was the same age, when he was in high school. She blackmailed him by threatening to tell everyone he had raped her. She used this power over him to coax sexual favors but never intercourse.
After a year of looking for help, he confided in his mother, but she ended up getting drunk and telling the whole family about the situation. Luckily, he was able to convince most of them it was “just the alcohol talking.” At that point, his cousin finally found a boyfriend and stopped blackmailing him.
This all happened five years ago. He hasn’t lived in the same state as his mom or the abuser in three years. I can tell that by confiding in me he feels much better, but I’m worried that he blames himself for his mother’s alcoholism and his ruined relationships with his close friends in high school. I’m also not sure whether we can bring his abuser to justice. — Concerned Spouse
A: Encourage you husband to talk to a licensed psychotherapist about what was done to him. Victims sometimes blame themselves. I seriously doubt that his mother’s alcohol abuse had anything to do with him. That she betrayed his confidence instead of helping him was terrible. A therapist can explain all this to him, and help him to see things clearly so he can decide how to proceed.
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Q: I’m planning to get married this year, but I have cold feet. One day I want to be married; the next day I don’t. My fiancee is my best friend, and we have been dating for more than four years. Is there any way to get over wedding jitters and live life to the fullest? — Cold Feet in Oklahoma
A: An intelligent way to work through your jitters would be to talk them through. Consider premarital counseling with your fiancee. A number of subjects will be raised during the sessions, including both of your feelings regarding handling money, having children (and raising them), and even the fact that such a big step gives you butterflies. Please let me know if this helps. I wish you and your fiancee a long and happy union.
Q: I’m a 15-year-old bisexual girl, and I have a big problem with relationships. They make me feel awkward. I don’t like holding hands and the mushy-gushy stuff hurts my soul. I’m asking for help to come out to my parents and also what I should do about not liking relationships. Am I the only one like this? I told my friend once, and she was really confused. — Awkward Teen in Texas
A: I do not think you should come out to your family until you are sure of exactly who you are. From the tone of your letter, you appear to be still trying to figure that out, which is completely normal for someone your age.
Please do not put any labels on yourself right now. Concentrate on school, friends, things you enjoy. Give it time, and I predict that in a year or two, when you are more clear about things, you will know what to do.
Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.