Compliments didn’t come often in my family.As a matter of fact, it rains more frequently in deserts. Compliments from my parents had to be earned through exemplary efforts. Anything less was just getting by.When my siblings and I would ask Mom questions about words, issues or places, she’d quickly tell us to look it up. Our home — though meager — had a library of books with dictionaries, encyclopedias and other reference materials.I remember Dad telling his chemistry and physical science students when he taught college that if they did “A” work elsewhere, they could expect a “C” in his class. Those young adults would complain when they landed at Dad’s chemical company to make up work that he found deficient.When I worked there as a kid, I told them they had him for only a semester. I had him for life.Dad’s 92 years old and still works every day at the company he founded in 1947. I have learned as I have gotten older that my folks’ incredibly high standards have been a blessing for me and my children. I raised 10 blisters on my hands this month helping Dad at his company, still striving to meet his high expectations. It is what the nation lacks in many homes and schools to prepare children and teenagers for independence as high functioning adults.That point was driven home in a September 2009 Monitor on Psychology article. The question-and-answer piece by Jamie Chamberlin quoted Richard E. Nisbett, who said past studies give too much credence to heredity’s role in intelligence. “Culture, social class and education,” he said, “matter more, and explain racial gaps in IQ.”Parents are the missing element. They can help elevate their children’s intelligence. Parents have to convey to kids that hard work matters in their success.What threw me was Nisbett said parents — like my folks — should be conservative in giving praise. Nisbett, a University of Michigan social psychologist, reasoned: “Children take on less challenging tasks if they have been praised a lot for intelligence because they don’t want to risk their reputation. In general, it’s not great to praise your kids all that much. (Constant praise) establishes that you are evaluating, and you don’t want them to feel evaluated all the time. You want them to feel you are pleased with their hard work.”When my siblings and I worked at Dad’s company and thought we’d done good work, all we got in response was, “Now you’re coming.” We were on the right track but hadn’t arrived. If we complained to Mom, she said, “I guess you need to try harder.”It turns out they were pushing us to overcome any barriers we’d face in school, work and life. My folks credited their parents for their drive and discipline. They passed it to us; we’ve shared it with our kids.Nisbett also notes that upper-middle class people have conversations encouraging intellectual exploration. Often minorities at every socioeconomic level don’t and in some cases discourage academic achievement. “I want to show that family environments make a great deal of difference for adult intelligence,” Nisbett said.My folks infected my siblings and me with expansive conversations about learning and possibilities. I then gave the virus to my kids. It’s responsible for their willingness to explore and be adventurous. Adrianne, 26, continues to weather difficulties in the newspaper industry, selling advertising for a daily paper in North Carolina. She and her husband, Andy, bought their first house this month. I visited them and helped a bit, proud that she represents the fourth generation of Diuguids to own property instead of being property.Leslie, 23, worked in Omaha, Neb., after graduating in May from the Kansas City Art Institute. But when the bad economy ate her job, she went to New York to be an artist.I told her she is like her grandpa, who recently received an award in St. Louis and told the audience there to never give up. Every setback should make people more determined to achieve success.All of our children of many colors should get such lessons. But it has to start early, and it has to start at home.

Posted on Sun, Nov. 22, 2009 10:15 PM

Buzz Up

Comment (0)

COMMENTARY

Home is where lessons of life must be taught

By LEWIS DIUGUID

The Kansas City Star

More News

Compliments didn’t come often in my family.

As a matter of fact, it rains more frequently in deserts. Compliments from my parents had to be earned through exemplary efforts. Anything less was just getting by.

When my siblings and I would ask Mom questions about words, issues or places, she’d quickly tell us to look it up. Our home — though meager — had a library of books with dictionaries, encyclopedias and other reference materials.

I remember Dad telling his chemistry and physical science students when he taught college that if they did “A” work elsewhere, they could expect a “C” in his class. Those young adults would complain when they landed at Dad’s chemical company to make up work that he found deficient.

When I worked there as a kid, I told them they had him for only a semester. I had him for life.

Dad’s 92 years old and still works every day at the company he founded in 1947. I have learned as I have gotten older that my folks’ incredibly high standards have been a blessing for me and my children. I raised 10 blisters on my hands this month helping Dad at his company, still striving to meet his high expectations. It is what the nation lacks in many homes and schools to prepare children and teenagers for independence as high functioning adults.

That point was driven home in a September 2009 Monitor on Psychology article. The question-and-answer piece by Jamie Chamberlin quoted Richard E. Nisbett, who said past studies give too much credence to heredity’s role in intelligence. “Culture, social class and education,” he said, “matter more, and explain racial gaps in IQ.”

Parents are the missing element. They can help elevate their children’s intelligence. Parents have to convey to kids that hard work matters in their success.

What threw me was Nisbett said parents — like my folks — should be conservative in giving praise. Nisbett, a University of Michigan social psychologist, reasoned: “Children take on less challenging tasks if they have been praised a lot for intelligence because they don’t want to risk their reputation. In general, it’s not great to praise your kids all that much. (Constant praise) establishes that you are evaluating, and you don’t want them to feel evaluated all the time. You want them to feel you are pleased with their hard work.”

When my siblings and I worked at Dad’s company and thought we’d done good work, all we got in response was, “Now you’re coming.” We were on the right track but hadn’t arrived. If we complained to Mom, she said, “I guess you need to try harder.”

It turns out they were pushing us to overcome any barriers we’d face in school, work and life. My folks credited their parents for their drive and discipline. They passed it to us; we’ve shared it with our kids.

Nisbett also notes that upper-middle class people have conversations encouraging intellectual exploration. Often minorities at every socioeconomic level don’t and in some cases discourage academic achievement. “I want to show that family environments make a great deal of difference for adult intelligence,” Nisbett said.

My folks infected my siblings and me with expansive conversations about learning and possibilities. I then gave the virus to my kids. It’s responsible for their willingness to explore and be adventurous. Adrianne, 26, continues to weather difficulties in the newspaper industry, selling advertising for a daily paper in North Carolina. She and her husband, Andy, bought their first house this month. I visited them and helped a bit, proud that she represents the fourth generation of Diuguids to own property instead of being property.

Leslie, 23, worked in Omaha, Neb., after graduating in May from the Kansas City Art Institute. But when the bad economy ate her job, she went to New York to be an artist.

I told her she is like her grandpa, who recently received an award in St. Louis and told the audience there to never give up. Every setback should make people more determined to achieve success.

All of our children of many colors should get such lessons. But it has to start early, and it has to start at home.

Lewis W. Diuguid is a member of The Star’s Editorial Board. To reach him, call 816-234-4723 or send e-mail to Ldiuguid@kcstar.com.

Posted on Sun, Nov. 22, 2009 10:15 PM

Buzz Up

Comment (0)

Join the discussion

Share your observations and experiences about news. Lively, open, civil debate is the goal. Please refrain from personal attacks or comments that are racist, vulgar or otherwise inappropriate. If you see an inappropriate comment, please click the "Report as abuse" link.