Chow Town

Here are some ideas for that romantic barbecue lover inside you

Updated: 2014-02-08T02:44:40Z

By ARDIE A. DAVIS

“You are such a romantic! Men think love is about kissing, embracing, and sex. What it’s really about is the kudzu out there by the roadside, choking trees, bushes and everything it touches. ‘Love’ creeps onto our eroding emotional landscape and chokes the life out of it! Sure, kudzu stops erosion, but it stifles everything else!”

“Gosh, Cat, you could bankrupt the entire erectile dysfunction industry! I’m not a biochemist, but I’ve always thought male virility has more to do with psychology than physiology. Pills mess with body chemistry, but the mind trumps chemistry. Your attitude would stifle the male libido faster than kudzu could choke the timbers on Barbecue Hill!”

From Cat: A BBQ Love Story by A. Davis (ebook release date to be announced.)

“Are the Rocky Mountain Oysters with barbecue sauce good?”

“They are delicious and very popular. Some say they’re an aphrodisiac.”

That exchange happened many times on the bluff off Interstate 35 and Cambridge Circle when Baby Doe’s Matchless Mine thrived as a popular Chow Town dining, drinking and dancing establishment.

Romance-minded customers who ordered the dish often ordered wine to complement the imagined “oyster” dividend. I wondered how many thought they were eating fresh-water oysters from Rocky Mountain streams.

If they asked, I told them the “oysters” were battered deep-fried chunks of bovine testicles. But few asked.

Bulls as a symbol of male sexual prowess resurfaced recently in a Chevy Silverado Super Bowl ad featuring a Hereford bull transported to a ranch where some female Herefords greeted him.

He licked his lips when the narrator said, “Halloo Ladies,” as “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate played in the background.

Romance-minded Chow Towners in search of Valentine love potions won’t find Rocky Mountain Oysters. Justus Drugstore in Smithville serves turkey fries, but switching virility imaging from bulls to turkeys is a big leap.

The nearest place that offers them that I’m aware of are at the Nut Hut in Altoona, Kan., and Bad Brad’s BBQ in Stillwater, Okla. Stillwater is the best combination of dining, lodging, and entertainment out-of-town option of the two.

Book a room in Stillwater. See “August: Osage County” at Carmike 10, have a romantic feast of RMOs and ribs at Bad Brad’s, then enjoy some Red Dirt Music in joints on The Strip.

Or, splurge and eat RMOs within sight of the Rocky Mountains. Book a room in Denver and a dinner reservation at The Buckhorn Exchange. Enjoy “oysters,” buffalo prime rib, red wine and a romantic overnight in the Mile High City.

Chow Town may lack RMOs, but we are not at a loss for romantic culinary options.

If money, power and influence is your thing, see “The Wolf of Wall Street” or “American Hustle.” Follow with Capital Grille dirty martinis, oysters on the half shell, ribeyes, Cabernet Sauvignon and a Screaming Orgasm cocktail for a nightcap.

Or, cook your main squeeze’s favorite dinner — if you don’t know what it is, you haven’t been paying attention — and dine by candlelight with their favorite mood music playing softly in the background.

Better than all of the above: Share a Z-Man from Oklahoma Joe’s, Boulevard Chocolate Ale and chocolate-covered bacon strips for dessert! Go online for bacon/chocolate sources.

Do Rocky Mountain Oysters work? Some say “Yes.” Some say “No.” Some say “Hell no!” Will chocolate covered kudzu chips be next?

Ardie Davis is an iconic figure in the barbecue community. He founded a sauce contest on his backyard patio in 1984 that became the American Royal International Barbecue Sauce, Rub & Baste contest. He is a charter member of the Kansas City Barbeque Society and an inductee into the KCBS’s Hall of Flame. He has been interviewed on numerous food shows and writes for a variety of barbecue-related publications. He is also the author of a number of barbecue books, His most recent release book is “America’s Best BBQ Homestyle: What Champions Cook in Their Own Backyards.”

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