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Golden Globes: Who won? Who cares, compared with these strange and shining moments?

Updated: 2014-01-13T21:50:30Z

By LISA GUTIERREZ

The Kansas City Star

The 71st annual Golden Globe Awards served up plenty of tweet-worthy moments Sunday night, including one that apparently caught the guy on the tape-delay asleep when he let a profanity from Jacqueline Bisset spew forth on live TV.

Oops.

Bisset’s rambling, is-she-drunk speech and Cate Blanchett using the name of Judy Garland in the same sentence as the word “barbiturates” were two of the more memorable.

“American Hustle” danced away with the most hardware, winning three awards for best comedy and actresses Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams. The movie “Dallas Buyers Club” and TV’s “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — does anyone watch that? — “Breaking Bad” and “Behind the Candelabra” all won two awards.

Also noteworthy: “12 Years a Slave” received a standing ovation when it won its only award of the night for best picture, drama. (Director Steve McQueen seemed as startled as we were that the critically acclaimed movie had finally won something.)

Here’s a rundown of the night’s best — and most cringe-worthy — moments.

Best opening lines from return hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler:

• Fey on “Gravity”: “The story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”

• Fey on Matthew McConaughey (who won a surprise best actor trophy for “Dallas Buyers Club”): “He lost 45 pounds, or what actresses call being in a movie.”

• Fey on keeping the show on schedule: “We’re going to get this show done in three hours, or as Martin Scorsese calls it, Act One.”

Potty mouth: Bisset served up the first viral moment of the night. In a train wreck of an acceptance speech for supporting actress in the Starz miniseries “Dancing on the Edge,” Bisset rambled, paused painfully and finally said, “I want to thank people who have given me joy, and there have been many … (expletive).”

Later, Bisset told Variety, “I was completely out of it, I was thinking about my dinner. And I still haven’t gotten my dinner yet.” Asked about her speech, she admitted, “I can’t really remember what I said, actually.”

Potty mouth II: In accepting the award for TV drama series, show creator Vince Gilligan let the guy who played Jesse Pinkman on the show wrap up his speech. Actor Aaron Paul stepped to the mic and, one last time, yelled his famous tagline: “Yeah, (w)itch!”

Amy in drag: As Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick introduced daughter Sosie as this year’s Miss Golden Globes, Fey interrupted to say that in the “name of gender equality,” her “son from a previous relationship, Randy,” would be serving as Mr. Golden Globes.

Out came Poehler in a tuxedo and a wig. After “Randy” mouthed off and mocked Sosie’s name — “What are you, Olympics? — Fey warned him: “Do you want to go live with your father?”

“I can’t, you won’t tell me who he is,” said Randy.

“Well, he’s here tonight,” said Fey. “Look around.”

Fire her stylist: Emma Thompson came out to announce the winner of best movie screenplay in her bare feet, carrying her pricey Christian Louboutin high heels in one hand and a martini in the other. “This is my blood,” she said, pointing to the shoes’ trademark red soles. Then she threw the shoes over her shoulder and onto the floor before reading the name of the winner — Spike Jonze for “Her.”

He’s kidding, right?: Jonze apologized for his acceptance speech. “I’m bad at speaking English, and it’s the only language I know, so bear with me,” he said.

A shot at Shia: We’re not surprised that someone brought up Shia LaBeouf’s recent controversy, when he apologized for plagiarizing a graphic novella for his first short film. And we’re so glad that it was Jim Carrey. Introducing comedy winner “American Hustle,” he said: “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise.”

Lost in translation: Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron, who won for “Gravity,” joked that his thick accent made it difficult for the actors to understand him. Like the time he told “Gravity” leading lady Sandra Bullock that he was gonna give her, uh, herpes. “What I really meant to say, ‘Sandra, I’m gonna give you an earpiece.’ 

Crickets: We totally did not get the comedy bit between Jimmy Fallon and Melissa McCarthy, who pretended that McCarthy had been hit on the head by a sandbag backstage and thought she was Matt Damon. They should have sandbagged it.

Can she say that? Fey: “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.”

Cate Blanchett, who won best actress in a drama for “Blue Jasmine”: “Ply me with vodka the way Judy Garland was probably plied with barbiturates.”

Lots of winging it: Several winners professed to being caught off-guard and apologized for having no speech ready. So Andy Samberg, who won best actor for a TV comedy for “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” served up a comedic boilerplate. “I guess I’ll just thank everyone. The guys who came up with the show, Mike and Dan. The cast is awesome. The crew’s really good. The writers kick A. Everyone on my ‘team.’ … And of course my beautiful and incredible wife, Joanna.”

All right, all right, ALL RIGHT: After listening to McConaughey’s over-the-top acceptance speech for “Dallas Buyers Club” (channeling his “Dazed and Confused” character), we felt just like @SalVulcano, who tweeted: “Matthew McConaughey has never failed to make me feel uncomfortable. Ever.” But the actor did share this life lesson from his mom, who made him go out and play instead of watch TV. “Don’t watch someone on TV do it, get out there and do it yourself.”

Sweetest moment of the night: Diane Keaton, accepting the honorary Cecil B. DeMille award for her longtime collaborator and friend, director Woody Allen, ended her speechifying with a Girl Scouts song. In a soft, quiet voice, she sang: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long I will be your friend.”

Includes reporting by The Star’s Sharon Hoffmann and Kathy Lu. To reach Lisa Guiterrez, call 816-234-4987 or send email to lguiterrez@kcstar.com.

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