As I See It

My 14 resolutions for 2014

Updated: 2014-01-01T23:09:37Z

By Hampton Stevens

Special to The Star

The new year is nearly upon us — at least if you aren’t Chinese or Jewish and so use a different calendar. With a new year, of course, comes a chance to make changes. That means it’s also time to make a list of New Year’s resolutions that you have absolutely no intention of keeping.

Like these.

In 2014, I resolve...

1. To stop getting all my news from social media. Also, I will not repost stories about gun-toting vigilante grandmas who leave nasty notes for gay servers after eating radioactive fish from Japan — not unless I’m absolutely sure of the source.

2. To exercise less, eat more fatty foods, and start smoking. Also, I’d like to watch more TV, read less, and take all my friends and family for granted.

3. I will stop referring to the Chiefs, Royals and Jayhawks as “we” after a win, but “they” after a loss.

4. I will drive on I-35 to get downtown several times a day, just because we finally can again.

5. I will not judge anyone unless I’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Unless that person happens to be a woman who wears stiletto heels. Because I’m a guy, and that would just plain look weird.

6. I will spend as much time as possible thinking about the Kardashians.

7. I will wear white before, after or during Labor Day, however the mood happens to strike.

8. I’ll use less Hefe and more Sierra. (Ask your kids)

9. I will stop using the expressions “Sunday Funday,” “Killing it,” or — worst of all — “amazeballs.” Then I'm going to think inside the box, leave money on the table, and stay out of the loop. Also, I plan to give up using #hashtags, even #ironically. Because, really, aren’t we all #justsickofit?

10. I will stop pretending that money spent on Friday or Saturday night is somehow magically exempt from my budget.

11. I will not refer to anything as the “Best. (Blank). Ever...” any more than twice a week.

12. I will learn to find my way to the local grocery store without use of a GPS

13. I will stop swinging naked on wrecking balls, licking sledgehammers, twerking with Robin Thicke, and pretending to have sex on camera, no matter how much it helps my career.

Finally, the 14th resolution for 2014:

To make a whole new list of resolutions at the end of the year which, exactly like this one, I’ll completely ignore beginning at 12:01 am Jan. 1.

Hampton Stevens is a former Kansas City Star Midwest Voices panelist.

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